75 Best Ron Swanson Quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ronald Ulysses Swanson is a fictional character played by Nick Offerman from the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation, Offerman had some input into the creation of the character, and some aspects of Ron’s personality were inspired by the actor himself.

If you are looking for Ron Swanson Quotes, Funny Ron Swanson Quotes, Ron Swanson Food Quotes, Ron Swanson Parks And Rec Quotes, then browse through our collection of Ron Swanson Quotes, Funny Ron Swanson Quotes, Ron Swanson Food Quotes, Ron Swanson Parks And Rec Quotes that we have collected from many sources on the internet.

Best Ron Swanson Quotes

  1. “I won’t be hiring an attorney. I’ll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.” – Ron Swanson
  2. “We can’t have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They’ll hunt the kids for sport.” – Ron Swanson
  3. “Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They’re too strong for clippers.” – Ron Swanson
  4. “I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious.” – Ron Swanson
  5. “My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.” – Ron Swanson
  6. “I change my locks every 16 days. That key’s been useless since the 2nd Tuesday I gave it to you.” – Ron Swanson
  7. “Haha, ‘Euro-trash,’ I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.” – Ron Swanson
  8. “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.” – Ron Swanson
  9. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.” – Ron Swanson
  10. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.” – Ron Swanson
    Related : Always Believe In Yourself Quotes
  11. “Swanson method, where you close your eyes and fall asleep.” – Ron Swanson
  12. “Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.” – Ron Swanson
  13. “You can’t hack into a typewriter. That’s all I have to say.” – Ron Swanson
  14. “I’ve heavily invested in gold which I’ve buried in several different locations around Pawnee. Or have I?” – Ron Swanson
  15. “I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.” – Ron Swanson
  16. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.” – Ron Swanson
  17. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson
  18. “A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on.” – Ron Swanson
  19. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.” – Ron Swanson
  20. “Haircuts, there are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.” – Ron Swanson
    Related : Quotes From Edgar Allan Poe
  21. “Is ‘Star Wars’ the one with the wizard boy?” – Ron Swanson
  22. “History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.” – Ron Swanson
  23. “I like Andy. I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.” – Ron Swanson
  24. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” – Ron Swanson
  25. “Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. ” – Ron Swanson
  26. “Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.” – Ron Swanson
  27. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.” – Ron Swanson
  28. “I can’t think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs.” – Ron Swanson
  29. “There’s been a mistake. You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.” – Ron Swanson
  30. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.” – Ron Swanson
    Related : Cute Nail Tech Quotes
  31. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” – Ron Swanson

Inspirational Ron Swanson Quotes

  1. “Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.” – Ron Swanson
  2. “There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson
  3. “Breakfast food can serve many purposes.” – Ron Swanson
  4. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?” – Ron Swanson
  5. “It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.” – Ron Swanson
  6. “I prefer quality over flash, that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.” – Ron Swanson
  7. “I have to nap up. If I don’t get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.” – Ron Swanson
  8. “Okay, time to head back to the office. I’ve missed an entire day of work, so at least some good came from this.” – Ron Swanson
  9. “The strong prey on the weak. Soon, one of you will be ridiculed mercilessly. Ah, nature.” – Ron Swanson
    Related : Rob Zombie Quotes
  10. “It is a beautiful night for the end of the world. Congratulations to all of you for reaching the finish line.” – Ron Swanson
  11. “You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple of months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.” – Ron Swanson
  12. “Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.” – Ron Swanson
  13. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing is not that hard.” – Ron Swanson
  14. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.” – Ron Swanson
  15. “I think if you would know one thing about me it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.” – Ron Swanson
  16. “I am not interested in caring about people.” – Ron Swanson
  17. “I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours.” – Ron Swanson
  18. “This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package.” – Ron Swanson

The Best Ron Swanson Quotes

  1. “I’ll do anything! I’ll watch a foreign film! I’ll talk to a man with a ponytail!” – Ron Swanson
    Related : David Foster Wallace Quotes On Life
  2. “Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.” – Ron Swanson
  3. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.” – Ron Swanson
  4. “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins.” – Ron Swanson
  5. “We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End Speech.” – Ron Swanson
  6. “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.” – Ron Swanson
  7. “I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” – Ron Swanson
  8. “Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places.” – Ron Swanson
  9. “Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.” – Ron Swanson
  10. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.” – Ron Swanson
  11. “I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Lil Sebastian had passed.” – Ron Swanson
    Related : Funny Harry Styles Quotes
  12. “Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I’ve won an award.” – Ron Swanson
  13. “Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.” – Ron Swanson
  14. “I said that you’ll get a lot of job offers in your life but you only have one hometown.” – Ron Swanson
  15. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.” – Ron Swanson
  16. “I do not like most of you. What I do like is breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson
  17. “Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.” – Ron Swanson
  18. “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.” – Ron Swanson
  19. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.” – Ron Swanson
  20. “When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.” – Ron Swanson
  21. “Another word for ‘jokes’ is ‘lies’. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.” – Ron Swanson
    Related : Master Oogway Quotes
  22. “Hire Very Good Building Company for your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. End of commercial.” – Ron Swanson
  23. “Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.” – Ron Swanson
  24. “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.” – Ron Swanson
  25. “It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.” – Ron Swanson
  26. “Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.” – Ron Swanson

Thanks for viewing this collection of Ron Swanson Quotes, Funny Ron Swanson Quotes, Ron Swanson Food Quotes, Ron Swanson Parks And Rec Quotes ! Don’t forget to share them on social media. Which of Ron Swanson Quotes, Funny Ron Swanson Quotes, Ron Swanson Food Quotes, Ron Swanson Parks And Rec Quotes collection is your favorite? Don’t forget to comment on them down below!

Leave a Comment