25+ Funny Grumpy Old Men Quotes

Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau are a classic comedy duo, starring in many films together. Grumpy Old Men became one of the greatest films of 1993 and was so popular that it resulted in a sequel, Grumpier Old Men, which came out in 1995.

If you are looking for Grumpy Old Men Quotes, then browse through our collection of Grumpy Old Men Quotes that we have collected from many sources on the internet.

Funny Grumpy Old Men Quotes

  1. “You watch your mouth, you damn Swede.” – Max Goldman
  2. “It’s a good thing [Jacob is] his mother’s son. If he looked anything like you, he’d never get on the ballot.” – John Gustafson
  3. “Eat my shorts!” – Max Goldman
  4. “You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?” – Max Goldman
  5. “Oh shut up fat ass!” – Max Goldman
  6. “If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I’d have asked for another million.” – Max Goldman
  7. John Gustafson: “You’re supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.”
    Grandpa Gustafson: “I’m 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”
  8. Ariel Truax: “Gay or straight?”
    John Gustafson: “Huh?”
    Ariel Truax: “Heterosexual or homosexual?”
    John Gustafson: “Geez Louise!”
    Ariel Truax: “Well, it’s a perfectly legitimate question.”
    John Gustafson: “Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota… Who-ho-ho-ho!”
  9. Max Goldman: “You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.”
    John Gustafson: “Lucky bastard.”
  10. Max: “Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?”
    John: “Ohhhh, couldn’t rise to the occasion?”
    Max: “Yes, the spirit was willing…”
    John: “Yeah, but the flesh was, uh….”
    Max: “Weak! Weak!”
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  11. “Why don’t you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?” – Max Goldman
  12. “Good morning, dickhead.” – Max Goldman
  13. “Hello, moron.” – John Gustafson
  14. “Up yours, Gustafson.” – Max Goldman
  15. John: “Hold on, I’m…I’m not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do…safe sex.”
    Ariel: “John, when was the last time you made love?”
    John: “October 4th….1978.”
    Ariel: “Oh, I think we’re safe…..”
  16. “The man’s crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That’s of course if he’s taken his medication.” – Max Goldman
  17. “There are many fish In the sea but you’re the only one I’d want to stuff and mount over my fireplace.” – Max Goldman

Best Quotes From Grumpy Old Men

  1. “When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.” – Max Goldman
  2. “Kids; can’t live with them. Can’t shoot ’em.” – Grandpa Gustafson
  3. “He started it.” – Max Goldman
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  4. “Hey dickhead. You win the lottery?” – Max Goldman
  5. “We did the horizontal mambo.” – John Gustafson
  6. “A stroke’s no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day.” – John Gustafson
  7. John Gustafson: “Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.”
    Grandpa Gustafson: “A woman?”
    John Gustafson: “Yeah.”
    Grandpa Gustafson: “Did you mount her?”
    John Gustafson: “Ohhh, Dad!”
    Grandpa Gustafson: “Well the woman, does she have big thighs?”
    John Gustafson: “No!”
    Grandpa Gustafson: “No?! Then what’s the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I’d be mounting every woman in Wabasha.”
  8. “Mmmm… lesbians, yummy!” – Max Goldman
  9. “He’s taking the one-eyed monster to the optometrist.” – Grandpa Gustafson
  10. “Enjoy your shower, smartass.” – John Gustafson
  11. “Hypothermia’s a bitch. It ain’t quick like a stroke.” – Max Goldman
  12. John: “Let me remind you Einstein that May was no prize.”
    Max: “She was to me!”
    John: “I was married to the woman, 20 years. She was no prize!”
    Max: “She was to me!”
    John: “Yeah, well that’s why you’re a moron! If you ended up with May, you would never had Amy and Amy was a good woman.”
    Max: “She was the best.”
    John: “She was damn sight more loyal than May ever was.”
  13. “You’re trying to steal her away like you did May.” – Max Goldman

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