150 Best Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh out loud

Funny Quotes can be entertainment as well as increase enthusiasm in living the process of life. Problems sometimes come and go to someone.

This condition can certainly make a person feel stressed and disappointed. Various ways can be done to entertain yourself, ranging from doing fun activities, chatting with close friends, playing games or other things that can relax the mind.

In addition, you can read books or watch movies and programs that you like. Then there is also a simple and easy way that people sometimes skip, namely reading Funny Quotes.

With Funny Quotes will make you better because it is full of humor and quite entertaining. Not only that, Funny Quotes are suitable as social media captions.

There are tons of Funny Quotes for you to read and share. Here is a collection of Funny Quotes:

Best Funny Quotes

  1. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” – Stanley Hudson, The Office
  2. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling
  3. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” – C. Fields
  4. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
  5. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
  6. “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West
  7. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” – Charlie Brown
  8. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” – James Branch Cabell
  9. “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” – Bill Watterson
  10. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” – Mae West
  11. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – C. Fields
  12. “I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!!” – Charles M. Schulz
  13. “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” – Oscar Wilde
  14. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott, The Office
  15. ​​”Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
  16. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
  17. “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov
  18. “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
  19. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
  20. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” – Kevin Malone, The Office
  21. ​​”Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” – Dwight Schrute, The Office
  22. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
  23. “I’m not crazy –  I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” – Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
  24. “Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.” – Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
  25. “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
  26. “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” – Oprah Winfrey
  27. “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” – Charlotte Whitton
  28. “I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway
  29. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
  30. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'” – Groucho Marx
  31. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
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  32. “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
  33. “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” – Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
  34. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown
  35. ​​”My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling
  36. “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” – Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
  37. “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.” – Pam Beesly, The Office
  38. “Don’t waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.” – Meryl Streep
  39. “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” – Cindy Crawford
  40. “I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.” – Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
  41. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
  42. “​​Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.” – Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
  43. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
  44. “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” – Dolly Parton
  45. “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” – Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
  46. “No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.” – Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
  47. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
  48. “Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.” – Luis Buñuel
  49. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
  50. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
  51. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
  52. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsley Clarke
  53. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
  54. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
  55. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” – Dolly Parton
  56. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Shirley MacLaine
  57. “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May
  58. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
  59. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde
  60. “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” – Betty White
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  61. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” – Judith Martin
  62. “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” – Samuel L. Jackson
  63. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson
  64. “Don’t be so humble –  you are not that great.” – Golda Meir
  65. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers
  66. “I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ” – Jerry Lewis
  67. “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.” – Ellen DeGeneres
  68. “Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.” – Mark Twain
  69. “Instant gratification takes too long.” – Carrie Fisher
  70. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” – Mark Twain
  71. “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” – Winston S. Churchill
  72. “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
  73. “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” – Sandra Bullock
  74. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg
  75. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” – President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
  76. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
  77. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” – David Letterman
  78. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
  79. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.” – Unknown
  80. Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.” – Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
  81. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain
  82. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
  83. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
  84. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you – but I’m not going to.” – Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
  85. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck
  86. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
  87. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” – Ellen DeGeneres
  88. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” – Unknown
  89. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
  90. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
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  91. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Unknown
  92. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  93. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
  94. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.” – Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
  95. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright
  96. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”―Mindy Kaling
  97. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
  98. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” – Frank Drebin
  99. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Bobby Boucher
  100. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  101. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
  102. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.” – Lessons from the Minivan
  103. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” – Sheldon Cooper
  104. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
  105. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” – Clark Griswold
  106. “There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.” – Violet Crawley
  107. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura
  108. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” – Clairee Belcher
  109. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” – Anonymous
  110. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
  111. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
  112. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin
  113. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” – Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm
  114. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
  115. “That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.” – Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
  116. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” – Adam Gropman
  117. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?” – Neil DeGrasse Tyson
  118. “I never forget a face – but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
  119. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno
  120. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
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  121. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
  122. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” – Frank Semyon
  123. “What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.” – Aunt Voula
  124. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
  125. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” – Wanda
  126. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?” – Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny
  127. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
  128. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey, Bossypants
  129. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.” – Anonymous
  130. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
  131. “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas
  132. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
  133. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
  134. “Elbert Hubbard quote “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive” – Ambrose Pierce
  135. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
  136. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke
  137. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
  138. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
  139. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
  140. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today.” – It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Shulz
  141. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
  142. “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” – Charleton Heston
  143. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
  144. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie
  145. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin
  146. “Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
  147. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
  148. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck
  149. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  150. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Waterson

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